you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
