Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
