Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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