i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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