Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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