apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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