She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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