i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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