I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
