It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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