saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
