Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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