So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
