so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
