you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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