Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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