think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
