Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have post one night stand depression
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
