the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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