My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
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I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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