Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
