if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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