my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nobody cheats on THIS.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
