Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
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i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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