Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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