im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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