I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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