I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
