Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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