True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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