Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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