I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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