my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
