im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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