I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am spending my child support on dildos
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
