I wish I could teleport
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
