my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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