I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
