True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
