Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's just like the Real World with babies
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
