we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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