david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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