he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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