no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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