So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she smelled like a LAN party
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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