at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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