Just took my morning after pill in the library
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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