I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
