I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
