Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
