I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
