I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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