So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You left your phone here
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