I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
