I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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