Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hippo gnu deer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
