take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
