i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
