I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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